on being a mother

being a mother is the hardest job i can imagine having.  i love my children to the moon and back again around the world and up and down - and loving them is a tough gig.  i worry.  i fret.  

i tend to believe that i worry to an unhealthy extent.  i am fragile.  i am broken.  i have good days and i have bad days, but daily i worry and worry and worry.  i exhaust myself thinking about all the what ifs and what nots that could happen to make my children unhappy or unhealthy.  

i spend most nights praying constantly that they stay well and stay asleep.  i lose sleep praying that they will sleep.  i stay awake praying that they rest.  i hear a cough and i fly awake and begin praying again.  my air or heat kicks on or off and i pop awake and start to worry.  there are a few hours each day when i am not worrying.  if i had to guess i would say it was between the hours of noon and 4.  

i can't imagine my life without these little humans.  i don't have any idea how people make it through the loss or serious illness with a child.  my life would be destroyed.  i couldn't go on.  i cry just thinking about it.  

i dread becoming a mother to adults.  how does that even work?  when they are making their own decisions and they live on their own...what will i do then?

i will pray.  i will pray like i do now and i will work hard to make sure that i don't damage them.  i will work hard from then until now to make sure they do a better job than i do at being a christian.  i will push them to be a better human than me.  i will encourage them to make the world a better place through their work and their philanthropy.

i love them.